Where All My Ni**as At?

My first reaction to this video was, "Hmm, curious." The nerd, Mr. Beatty, (or, dat nigga David B., whichever you prefer) is clearly a well-educated, but somewhat conflicted guy. For most of my life, I was either 'Celeste You-know-that-black-girl' or 'Celeste She-cool-but-she-talks-white-doe'. Actually my last name is Brown, and that didn't help much, either. Growing up in a predominantly Jewish neighborhood, I was often the only black kid in my classes. Scratch that. I was ALWAYS the ONLY Jamaican-American kid in ALL of my classes. I quickly learned, though, that to them I was pretty much just Black. Describing what Jerk Chicken is (and trying not to get mad when people would greet me with a "Yah, mon!"), explaining why I didn't have to wash my hair everyday, and knowing the words to every Fabolous, Nelly, *NSync, and Simple Plan single- it was tough work! You can imagine my dilemma when 'The Slim Shady LP' was released (The white boy blossomed/after Dre endorsed em). Messed up my whole game.

Then, when I had finally secured my spot as just 'Celeste' among a group of great friends who didn't seem to mind my Brown skin or my red, yellow, and green Rasta bracelet, high school happened. Why didn't anyone tell me that I was supposed to know all the words to Friday? Where was I when my classmates were eating their first hot sausage? Oh, that's right. I was at a b'nai mitzvah in Weston, FL singing Edwin McCain's "I'll Be" with my then best bud/bandmate, Jacob Groten. (He pursued his dream and is currently touring the country as lead singer of The Jacob Jeffries Band).

So now, as a college graduate, I watch this video and I still wonder who I am supposed to be. What happened to just Celeste? At UCF I was Celeste, the AKA; which, by default, encompassed my black-and-college-educated-ness. Did I have any nigga/er in the first place? If I did, did I forget about it or supress it, like Beatty's nerd-self did? I'm trying to be as worldly and well-rounded as possible, like an educated young woman should be (right?). I know that because of the color of my skin, somewhere in my ancestry there is 'nigger' in me. But, who knows if there is some 'massa' in me, too? It wouldn't be alarming that one of my 4x-great-grandmothers was raped by a slave owner, would it? There's 'yardie' in me- my love for fried plantain and Luciano CDs makes me sure of that. But to most of corporate America, it seems, there will always be some "Black-girl" that I have to fully embrace, and explain away, and defend.

How much of the "nigga/er" is supposed to stay or show if we are trying to display that black people, while darker-skinned, are as intelligent and capable as their white-bright counterpart? Why does it have to be assimilation?...I'm more for the dry rub than the marinade. That way everything is still as it was, just mixed into one. Nothing is smushed or melded together and forgotten about.

Clearly, dat nigga David B. (or the nerd, Mr. Beatty, whichever you prefer) and I have a lot in common. Our conflict now is the same as mine was as a child. I want everyone to acknowledge that I am a strong, educated, BLACK woman, and accept that I am capable and gifted and still in tune with my culture. And, knowing where I'm going doesn't mean I forgot where I came from. I am N.ot stopping until I make it-I.nquisitive-G.rateful for my childhood-G.eared up for my future-A.cknowledging my roots.
So, where all my NIGGAs at?

The Bucket List

On April 25th, 2010, at an open mic night at Club 57 West in Downtown Orlando, I completed the last item on my Graduation Bucket List and performed an original poem entitled Regret.

I wrote the first draft of this poem back in September/October 2009. Some of it came from personal experience, some from friends' experiences. Either way, I'm sure many people (ok, mostly women) can relate to the pain in the poem. I wasn't really aiming to inspire anyone, but I did want them to be able to relate. Isn't it the best feeling when you hear a song or a poem and the artist says exactly what you've felt, but could never find the words to express it? You know those moments when you just nod your head and say "Yes!...Mmm...yes!!" and you start singing along with your eyes closed. I can tell you, now, that it's a good feeling to be on the other side, too. It meant a lot to hear from so many people that they could really relate to what I was talking about. I guess they say "misery loves company", but in this instance it wasn't that I wanted other people to be miserable. I just wanted them to know they weren't alone- and that the hurt would go away eventually. Hope loves company, too.

The bucket list is really my favorite part of the whole story. I made a list of things I wanted to accomplish before I graduated college. I am proud to say that I accomplished all but one thing on my list (I just couldn't find time among classes and applications to read three novels...but that's what summer break is for). I think the bucket list was, at times, just an excuse for me to live more in the moment, and not be afraid to open the door when opportunity came knocking. I learned that it's important to set and reach goals. However, I also realized that I can't just go by the book all the time and expect life to be exciting. I came out of my shell in the 9 months between my birthday and graduation day (how appropriate- 9 months; it's like a whole new person was born). I am working on my next list- there is a lot more that I want to experience as I embark on the next phase of life.

College is over, and I'm officially an AlumKnight of the University of Central Florida. And just as people always told me it would, college made for some of the greatest years of my life. But, I strongly believe that the best is yet to come. If God sees it fit to wake me up tomorrow morning, I plan on making the most of the day He has made. I can confidently say that if you set out to do something, and live your life to the fullest, that will be something you will never regret.

Celeste's Graduation Bucket List

-Make new friends

Annie, Lisa, and Me- also known as the Triple Threat on UCF's 2009-2010 President's Leadership Council


-Travel (made it to the Bahamas, Key West, Gainesville, Chicago, and Atlanta)











The Bahamas!


Funky Buddha Lounge in Chicago!














-Eat raw sushi

My line sister Whitney and I tried tuna sushi at a restaurant in AtL when we visited for a friend's 25th birthday. We had a blast that weekend, now she's off doing big things in law school!








-Eat at Sonic (the bacon cheeseburger....wow....just wow.)

-Drink a Mojito (wish I had a picture of my first alcoholic drink as a legal drinker! Too bad it didn't taste good. Oh well, you live and you learn.)

-Join the Antioch Mass Choir (when praises go up...)

- Donate blood (hurt a little, but totally bearable)
-Perform at an open mic night

My debut on the spoken word mic at Club 57 West in Downtown Orlando
Enjoy!