Where All My Ni**as At?

My first reaction to this video was, "Hmm, curious." The nerd, Mr. Beatty, (or, dat nigga David B., whichever you prefer) is clearly a well-educated, but somewhat conflicted guy. For most of my life, I was either 'Celeste You-know-that-black-girl' or 'Celeste She-cool-but-she-talks-white-doe'. Actually my last name is Brown, and that didn't help much, either. Growing up in a predominantly Jewish neighborhood, I was often the only black kid in my classes. Scratch that. I was ALWAYS the ONLY Jamaican-American kid in ALL of my classes. I quickly learned, though, that to them I was pretty much just Black. Describing what Jerk Chicken is (and trying not to get mad when people would greet me with a "Yah, mon!"), explaining why I didn't have to wash my hair everyday, and knowing the words to every Fabolous, Nelly, *NSync, and Simple Plan single- it was tough work! You can imagine my dilemma when 'The Slim Shady LP' was released (The white boy blossomed/after Dre endorsed em). Messed up my whole game.

Then, when I had finally secured my spot as just 'Celeste' among a group of great friends who didn't seem to mind my Brown skin or my red, yellow, and green Rasta bracelet, high school happened. Why didn't anyone tell me that I was supposed to know all the words to Friday? Where was I when my classmates were eating their first hot sausage? Oh, that's right. I was at a b'nai mitzvah in Weston, FL singing Edwin McCain's "I'll Be" with my then best bud/bandmate, Jacob Groten. (He pursued his dream and is currently touring the country as lead singer of The Jacob Jeffries Band).

So now, as a college graduate, I watch this video and I still wonder who I am supposed to be. What happened to just Celeste? At UCF I was Celeste, the AKA; which, by default, encompassed my black-and-college-educated-ness. Did I have any nigga/er in the first place? If I did, did I forget about it or supress it, like Beatty's nerd-self did? I'm trying to be as worldly and well-rounded as possible, like an educated young woman should be (right?). I know that because of the color of my skin, somewhere in my ancestry there is 'nigger' in me. But, who knows if there is some 'massa' in me, too? It wouldn't be alarming that one of my 4x-great-grandmothers was raped by a slave owner, would it? There's 'yardie' in me- my love for fried plantain and Luciano CDs makes me sure of that. But to most of corporate America, it seems, there will always be some "Black-girl" that I have to fully embrace, and explain away, and defend.

How much of the "nigga/er" is supposed to stay or show if we are trying to display that black people, while darker-skinned, are as intelligent and capable as their white-bright counterpart? Why does it have to be assimilation?...I'm more for the dry rub than the marinade. That way everything is still as it was, just mixed into one. Nothing is smushed or melded together and forgotten about.

Clearly, dat nigga David B. (or the nerd, Mr. Beatty, whichever you prefer) and I have a lot in common. Our conflict now is the same as mine was as a child. I want everyone to acknowledge that I am a strong, educated, BLACK woman, and accept that I am capable and gifted and still in tune with my culture. And, knowing where I'm going doesn't mean I forgot where I came from. I am N.ot stopping until I make it-I.nquisitive-G.rateful for my childhood-G.eared up for my future-A.cknowledging my roots.
So, where all my NIGGAs at?